Sanzolocks
by Madhumalati
Summary: The dangers of wandering in the woods, breaking into bears' houses and fooling around with pink fuzzy handcuffs. Because fairy tales need to die. 93 85, shounen ai. T for language and brief squick.


Warnings: implications of Things, brief bad language and at least one dreadful pun. Beware. Also, this is probably the worst thing I've ever written, but everybody's entitled to an off day. And Seme!Hakkai makes an appearance, because I do so love him.

_**Sanzolocks**_

Once upon a time, a young boy named Sanzo went walking in the woods.

This, in retrospect, was a bad move. The woods were supposed to be haunted with man-eating bears who had been driven insane by a mad scientist's experiments. The scientist, who was a reclusive computer expert, claimed that he had only been trying to persuade them all to stop eating bunnies, and that their alternative diet choice was not really his fault, and he'd advised them to stick to less fattening meat.

Really, he _had_.

However, since the first condition of being the hero of a fairy tale – which this is in more ways than one – is a remarkable lack of sense, Sanzo went into the woods to play. He was feeling very happy; he was wearing his pretty off-white robes, his head-covering and a cute yellow crown on top, and his shiny new high-heeled black boots _tripp_ed and _trapp_ed so musically on the ground that he couldn't help but wander where they took him, never realising that he was wandering into dangerous territory.

Before he realised it, he was completely and utterly lost.

But what was this? There was a light in the distance, warm and beckoning, promising safety and shelter to all who came there.

Sanzo moved towards the light, entranced by the gleam.

The light, he found, was shining in the porch of a small house in the middle of a clearing. It was a very well-kept house, and the door hung just a little open, almost inviting him in.

Curious, because all fairy-tale heroes are, he pushed the door open and went in.

Inside, the house looked remarkably human. There was a large lunch laid out on the table, and there were three chairs at the table.

Sanzo was hungry, and tired, and the spread looked deliciously inviting. Checking only to make sure it wasn't anyone he knew, he settled in for a good meal, washing it down with some excellent sake he had found in the cupboard.

He vaguely knew he was doing something wrong, but since this is a fairytale where the delinquent little tot doesn't get punished, he was largely unconcerned.

As all Sanzos do, he felt an urge to read the newspaper after his meal, and so he pulled the paper from his spandex space and looked about for a suitable place to read.

His eyes fell upon three armchairs lined up before the fireplace. He tried the first one. When he sat down, there was a suspicious crackle under the seat………he groped around under it and came up with a book with a blank cover, a manga of some sort.

Being curious, as all housebreakers are, he opened it at a middle page–

Only to slam it shut again as a furious blush spread over his cheeks. He had no idea that two men could do anything, let alone _that!_

Hastily, he moved over to the next armchair. This one was too big and too soft; he sank into it too deeply. And the whole armchair stank of cigarette smoke. He inhaled the aroma (his father smoked, and Sanzo had been sneaking them since the tender age of eleven) and then coughed. Damn. Hi-Lites. He loathed Hi-Lites.

Well, beggars couldn't be choosers. He lit up, and moved on.

Finally, he tried the last chair. Now this one was just right. He curled up on it, sighing appreciatively, and opened his newspaper.

Considered the entertainment potential for a while.

Then he grabbed the manga, stuffed it between the sheets and began to read.

When he finished, he decided that he needed to lie down for a while. So he went up the stairs and found two rooms there. He tried the first room he found. It opened into what he assumed was the master bedroom.

There was only one bed there, a large four-poster affair. But hadn't there been three chairs?

Oh, well. Sanzo shrugged and pulled the covering back.

This was strange. Sanzo had seen many beds, but he'd never seen one with handcuffs on each of the corners. Fuzzy pink ones, no less; he inspected one and found it to be strangely interesting. Lying on the bed felt strangely uncomfortable, so he gave up and went to the other room.

The bed was identical to the other one, except that there were no handcuffs. With a critical eye, he tested one of the handcuffs he had pinched from the master bedroom. One end snapped shut on a post. Sanzo lay down on the bed. This bed was definitely much more comfortable. He wriggled a bit until it felt just right and closed his eyes. Oh yes.

His thoughts began to drift as he toyed idly with the handcuffs.

Much……

More……

Comfor……

_Snap._

Oh, crap.

At this very moment, three……men……were heading home for lunch.

'Man, I'm hungry,' Goku said happily. 'Food, food, food, food! Birthday lunch! I love my birthday!'

'Ah, shut up,' Gojyo snapped.

'But Papa Bear,' Goku whined, 'I wanna eat!'

'Now, now, Goku, we're almost there.' Hakkai said kindly.

Sure enough, they could see the house up ahead. Goku darted ahead of the other two; they could hear him chanting 'Foo-oood! Foo-oood! Fooo-uck!'

'Goku, what have I told you about swea–' Hakkai cut off as he walked through the doorway and saw the muddy footprints, the half-eaten meal and the full ashtray. 'Oh my. It appears we have a burglar.'

'Somebody's eaten my meatbuns!' Goku wailed.

Gojyo sniffed. 'And somebody's been smoking my cigarettes!'

Hakkai, who was more discreet, went for hiding the manga in its original place rather than exclaiming about it.

'Mama Bear,' Goku whispered. 'I think the burglar's still here.'

Hakkai frowned, both at Goku's words and the fact that the muddy footprints weren't restricted to the ground floor. 'It would seem so. Let's go check it out.'

'Right,' Gojyo said with a grin.

They tiptoed up the stairs, weapons at the ready.

There was nobody in the corridor. Hakkai pushed open the door to the master bedroom, and his eyes widened in shock. 'Somebody's been sleeping in our bed!'

'Yeah, and they stole one of the fuzzy pink handcuffs,' Gojyo snarled.

'And I got those for a discount from Yuuko too,' Hakkai said mournfully. 'I only had to give her three of the videotapes.'

A red head swivelled so fast it blurred. 'You gave that witch videos of us?' Gojyo yelped.

'Well, she said it was a fair trade, and gave us a frequent customer bonus.' Hakkai smiled, exposing rather more teeth than was strictly necessary. 'She has some really good stuff, you know.'

'Guys, you're kind of missing the point here,' Goku said, tugging at their sleeves. 'If the burglar was in here too, you don't think he's……'

They all looked at the other door, behind which lay Goku's room and an unknown evil.

Goku gulped. 'Let's do this.'

And he flung open the door.

Sanzo lay on the bed, one hand cuffed, reading what Hakkai instantly recognised was one of the racier manga in hi-their collection. 'About time,' he remarked. 'Now, you going to let me out of this or what?'

Goku burst into relieved laughter and turned to the others. 'Wow, you really fooled me! You could have just told me you were gonna hire a stripper, ya know.'

'We didn't,' Hakkai said, shocked at the very idea.

'We just got you an all-you-can-eat coupon at the Cat's Eye,' Gojyo said. 'Although the stripper would probably have been a better idea,' he added in an undertone, and winced as he caught a Glare from Hakkai.

'Stripper?' Sanzo roared. 'I'm NOT a stripper! Let me loose NOW!'

'Let you loose? No way!' Goku pounced on the bed and tackled him in a hug. 'You're way too cute! I'm going to feed you and pet you and call you George! You're going to be my very own human forever!'

'GET OFF ME YOU LITTLE–' Sanzo paused. 'Wait, you're not human?'

'Of course not!' Goku said, wide-eyed. 'We're bears!'

This was surprising enough that Sanzo stopped thrashing around. 'What? But you look – and don't bears eat humans?'

'Yeah, yeah,' Goku said. 'But we're not crazy like the rest of them. See, Hakkai was cursed into becoming a bear, and I'm not really a bear, I just look like one, and Gojyo, well, he's a special case.'

'He's a bear-wolf,' Hakkai said. The green-eyed bear still looked stunned, but hell, there's only so long you can see a total hottie handcuffed to a bed without starting to get used to the situation.

Sanzo frowned. 'Like the guy who killed Grendel?'

Hakkai sweatdropped. 'Er, no. He's half bear and half wolf, but he's a bear except on the full moon. Hence, a bear-wolf.' He shrugged. 'Anyway, I'll leave Goku to explain the rest. You two seem to get along so well.'

He yanked Gojyo out of the room and the door closed.

Goku eyed the handcuffs.

Sanzo eyed Goku.

The handcuffs didn't eye anything because that would have been just too fricking creepy even for a parody of a mature anime.

'So. Making out?' Goku suggested.

Sanzo ran an appreciative look over Goku. 'Why not,' he said at length.

'Happy Birthday to me,' Goku leered and pounced.

Meanwhile, in the other room……

'You've been giving Goku ideas, haven't you?' Hakkai said, advancing on Gojyo in a manner that made the bearwolf consider rolling over and baring his throat.

'I-i-ideas?' he said, dimly noticing that he was being manoeuvred into the bedroom. 'Hey, man, he got the whole stripper thing from somewhere else, I swear I didn't–'

'He's been calling me Mama Bear all morning, Gojyo.' He tsked reproachfully. 'Dear, dear me. Haven't you told him yet who _really _wears the pants in this house?'

'Urk,' Gojyo said, and while we are all fascinated by how that sentence might end, I am afraid that the rest of the conversation was somewhat abbreviated, largely non-verbal and entirely unsuitable for young ears.

The End

A/N: a girl with golden hair who stumbles upon a mama bear, papa bear and baby bear? Come now, who can resist? Also: it's official. I am now a perv. Points to anyone who picks up the tributes and crossovers, and to those who understand the true evilness of the Grendel remark. Cookies to those who point it out!


End file.
